The Greatest Will Ferrell Blog… Ever

Will Ferrell walked on to SNL and totally brought it back to a level of funny that had long been abandoned. Harry Carrey, George W. Bush, and the Spartan Cheerleaders were some of the funniest and most memorable characters done on SNL for that last 20 years.

Ferrell has gone one to star in a lot of movies. Some good, some bad. Below you will find my list of the top 5 Will Ferrell characters. I have based my rankings on 3 criteria: Quotability, Likeability, and the strength of the supporting cast. So, away we go!!!!

5. Ron Burgundy in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

This role was the one that really showed that Ferrell could carry a movie all on his own.  This was a movie I really remember going to see in theaters with a group of my friends.  I was about 18 or 19 when this one came out, and it seems that the comedy was aimed at my age bracket of the time.

Quotability:  Had it not been for this movie, I seriously doubt any of my generation would have had any funny conversations in our early 20′s.  However, while still very quotable, most of these quotes taken out of the context of the movie, don’t really make much sense.  This led to conversations, like this one, to take place all around the country:

College Freshman 1:  Ribs. I had ribs for lunch, that’s why I’m doing this.
College Freshman 2:  I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
College Freshman 1:  Haha classic!  Remember when he had that beard and was drinking milk?  And he was all “Milk’s a bad choice when it’s hot!”  HAHAHAHA!
College Freshman 2:  I’ve wasted my life learning quotes from movies…
Rating: 7/10

Likeability:  Farrell’s character in this movie isn’t a typically “likeable” guy.  He’s a jerk, he’s rude, he’s a sexist, and he wears a mustache like a champion.  But, he’s also an idiot, so he almost gets a free pass.  And in the end, everyone seems to get along with him just fine.  So, whatever.
Rating:  6/10

Supporting Cast:  Paul Rudd, David Koechner (who is way better as a supporting character), Christina Applegate, Fred Willard, and the always hilarious Steve Carrell.
Rating: 5/10 (This is for under-utelizing Fred Armisen, AND for having Chris Parnell in the cast.  I hate that guy.)

4.  Mugatu in Zoolander

This movie came out right in the middle of Will’s time on SNL, and was before his run at leading roles.  However, for me, Ferrell steals the show from Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson.  He’s crass, over the top, dressed to kill, and carries that dog around like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs.  He’s a ridiculous parody of a fashion designer, in a movie that is the bench mark for all fashion world parodies.  Because there are so many. 

Quotability:  Sadly, Mugatu’s lines aren’t that quotable.  He did have a few gems, however most of his dialouge is not full hilarious quotes though.  However, without Mugatu we would have never had “He’s so hot right now.” and “I invented the piano key necktie!  I invented that!”  And I will never forget a manager of mine once saying “I’m a hot little potato right now.”  So, there’s that…
Rating: 3/10

Likeability:  Mugatu is the bad guy, so no one likes him.  I mean, that guy Todd liked him.  And Katinka.  So no… Nobody important liked him.
Rating: 3/10

Supporting Cast:  Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson before he got too famous for himself, Christine “Hey, Dude” Taylor, George Costanza’s dad, and an awesome cameo by David X-Files.  Had it not been for Jerry Stiller, Will Ferrell would have played my favorite character in the movie.
Rating: 6/10

3.  Frank Ricard in Old School

Old School is one of those movies that gets funnier and funnier everytime I see it.  I don’t actually know anyone who hasn’t seen it.  This was the first movie I bought without seeing it, based on my best friends review.  Frank Ricard is the most embarrassing character in this movie.  His wife divorces him, his friends are more responsible, and his favorite pledge dies.  He had it rough, but always stayed positive.  Oh, Frank.

Quotability:  For me, the only lines really worth quoting are Frank’s lines.  the strength of the quotability of this character is Will Ferrell’s ability to make non-comedic lines funny. 
Example 1:  Mitch: I haven’t seen Frank’s dad in like eight years. 
                        Frank: I love you dad.
Example 2: Marissa: That’s really, loud.
                        Frank: Yeah, thanks. Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon a little more juice. But it’s not exactly street legal, so keep it on the down low. Marissa
[waving to a neighbor]
Frank: Hey Mike!
However, had it not been for this movie, I wouldn’t have had to endure countless friends yelling “Snoop-a-loop” or “Bring your green hat!” 
Quotability: 7/10

Likeability:  I love Frank Ricard.  He seems innocent enough, just stupid.  Plus he really loves this fraternity.  And he loves his friends.  He does seem a bit clingy, especially after his wife kicks him out.  And he would be that one friend that you’d always have to watch, no matter where you take him.  I mean, he’s walking around a kid’s birthday party in a bathrobe.  Unsupervised.  He is bad about regifting, but in all honesty, who wouldn’t want to give away a bread maker.  Those are like the worst kitchen appliances.  (Take note everyone buying me a gift for my upcoming nuptuals.)
Rating: 7/10

Supporting Cast:  No real need to evaluate this one.  Vince Vaughn, before he started doing just shallow rehashings of characters he has already played, Luke Wilson who will always be more talented that his broke nosed brother, Zack’s old beach flame Stacey Carosi, and Cheee-eeeese!
Rating: 6/10

2. Chazz Reinhold in Wedding Crashers

I know this is a small cameo, but come on.  The entire movie there is this mysterious Chazz, who somehow came up with the idea of crashing weddings.  He’s in the Hall of Fame!  And in all honesty, everyone was shocked when Ferrell walkes around the corner with those nunchucks around his neck.  Nobody saw that coming.

Quotability:  Once again, this is a character that isn’t so quotable, due to the nature of what he says.  Typically, most of what is said by Chazz can’t make much sense outside of the context in which it was said.  We did however get “I never know what she’s doing back there.” from Chazz, which is better than nothing, I guess.
Rating: 4/10

Likability:  No one likes Chazz.  His own mother doesn’t like him.  He crashes funerals and hooks up with girls whose significant others have recently died.  He’s a terrible human being.  BUT, dude still owns a skateboard.  And watches cartoons.  And literally plans on using nunchucks as a valid means of defense.  Gotta love that about him.
Rating: 3/10

Supporting Cast:  The supporting cast here is mainly made up of Owen Wilson, since Ferrell’s character only interacts with Wilson’s.  They have great chemistry, and the way he treats that chick he just hooked up with is hilarious.  No telling how many takes it took them to get through that one scene.
Rating: 5/10

1.  The Renter in FunnyorDie.com’s The Landlord

I know, I know.  This is not a movie.  However, it is one of the funniest things to hit the internet in a long time.  If you haven’t seen it yet, I suggest you bounce on over, and do that.

Quotability:  Not so much for Ferrell.  He doesn’t really say anything that isn’t pathetic.  However, little Pearl the Landlord has a lot to say.  Someone spouts off a good Pearl quote around me, and it always gets me.
Rating: 0/10

Likeability:  This poor guy is so sad.  He’s so afraid of his landlord that he doesn’t want his buddy to leave.  He just found out his dad’s gay through some sort of medical test, and his afro is spectacular.  I like him, mostly because I feel bad for him.  Heck, he even learns to stand up for himself a little bit.
Rating: 9/10

Supporting Cast:  Pearl is the funniest baby ever to be caught drinking underage.
Rating: 10/10

Kanye, why you gotta be so heartless?

See what I did there?

So unless you have been living under a rock or some other firm mineral, Kanye West embarrassed himself on national tv in front of 11million (really MTV??) people during the VMA’s Sunday night. Kanye did what many of us dream of one day doing; finally making Taylor Swift speechless. Wait…
Not what I meant to say.
Now, to start this thing off right I want to make a warning. I don’t mean this to sound harsh or offensive. I do not agree in any way with racism, prejudice, or any sort of activity or hate speech that demeans a person based off of race/gender/sexuality/nationality or any other -ality there is out there.
But Kanye West is a moron.
Kanye busted (bursted?) on to the scene with his stellar debut album The College Dropout, the first rap album I had legitimately purchased since before high school. The first single Through the Wire never did anything for me, but when Jesus Walks came out, I knew I had to buy that record.
I think Kanye is a talented artist. He reintroduced me to hip-hop. For that, I am grateful. But let me say it again, Kanye. West. Is. A. Moron.
Oh Kanye… You have written some great music. You have become a huge public figure. You have become a social pariah. A leader of a slacker generation. And sort of a racist.
I’m gonna hit all of this in sort of a stream of consciousness type dealio, so I hope it makes some sense. This is three days of thought coming out during a very engaging biology class.
Kanye West is huge. He’s bigger than huge. He’s huge in an industry that is known for self-proclamations of greatness. Jay-Z once claimed to be the best rapper in the world. Lil’ Wayne has recently claimed that title, as HOVA keeps flirting with retirement, Brett Favre style. But nowhere in the world is Kanye as big as he is in his own mind. I’m becoming more and more convinced that Kanye lives in his own little Kanye world. He’s the king of it. He is the best rapper in it. And believe it or not, Uncle Kanye’s Goodie Shoppe whips up the best little cupcakes you’ve ever tasted.
Like I said, Kanye brought me back to rap after a hiatus of few years. When I fell back into it, I didn’t go hardcore Wafrican-Wamerican; (white person playing like a (stereotypical) black person). Speaking of white dudes acting like black dude, why don’t you ever see any white guys playing like Obama; only the stereotypical gangsta? That one was for free…
Now I jumped back in to listening to rap music. I bought it, downloaded it (illegally!), and listened to it viciously edited on the radio. Thanks to Kanye, I found Lil’ Wayne, Young Jeezy, and T.I., and started a new love affair with Jay-Z, and Wu-Tang. That’s when all this “greatest rapper in the world” talk showed up. More on that in a moment.
Kanye West did what many young wannabe stars do. He went to college, found out he REALLY would rather perform than grade literature papers all day (Kanye was an English major, TLANE) and dropped out to chase his dream of being a hot shot rapper. People still say “hot shot,” right?  He went on to title his debut album after his departure from an institute from higher learning, as well has giving collegiate themed titles to two other albums. Oh, and his website is called kanyeuniversecity.com. He has some obsession with college for someone who decided to not finish out a full four. But as above, more on that to come.
Kanye West is black. There, now it’s out in the open. With that said, Kanye has done a lot considering that in the United States of America, where everyone (sarcasm!) has equal rights. I realize something a lot of people don’t. It’s hard to be a black person in America. Sure, the president is black (half, OH SNAP!), the best selling artists in the world are black, and the top sports stars are black, even in golf!! (By the way did anyone see where Tiger finished -19 this weekend? Who does that???)
And I say none of that sarcastically. Despite all these high profile citizens being black, being born an average black man, to average black parents, in an average black neighborhood (yes, they still exist), means that you will statistically have a harder time in life than an average white man. Just the other day my man Eljay got stopped by a cop, and had his school backpack searched while walking in to work. And if you know Eljay, the most questionable thing he was doing was walking in to a Panera Bread wearing a flat billed cap. Black people have a lot to be upset about. They have overcome so much, yet still seem to have so many more mountains to climb. More on that, after the jump…

Lil’ Wayne is the greatest rapper in the world. And you know if it comes from the mind of a 24 year old white dude from Alabama in plaid Old Navy shorts, you know it has to be true. I’m the voice of my generation! Despite all his rantings, ravings, crazy gibberish talkings, and popped collars, Kanye has yet to pass Lil’ Wayne as the greatest rapper in the world. Maybe Lil’ Wayne isn’t the greatest in the world. But come on, the dude straight up raps his recordings without any lyrics in front of him. All stream of thought, “fueled by the beats”* Kanye has well thought, articulate, harsh, and biting lyrics. In front of him. While he records. I’m just saying, Wayne wins that round. Oh, and Lil’ Wayne sold one million records in one week. That works out to about 1.7 albums sold every second, non-stop for a straight week. Compare that to Kanye West’s debut The College Dropout, his best selling album to date (3,135,000). That works out to .02 albums sold every second since it dropped in February 2004. Or, if you’re a stickler, .73 albums a second for the first week. Come on. Wayne for the win.
Oh, and as far as I’m concerned, nobody will ever release a rap song as legit as 99 Problems. Jay-Z single handedly gave rap a new anthem with that song. Then he redid it with Linkin Park and ticked off everyone’s parents in the world. Debate on who you think is the greatest rapper in the world, but Mr. West doesn’t even reach near the top five.
*Stolen from VH1 Behind the Music

That last one ran a little long, I’ll try to calm it down a bit. In this society, where black people are constantly thought of (read THOUGHT OF) to be lazy and not wanting to succeed, it takes prominent black men and women to say something profound and inspirational to the young, black generation. Kanye decided to proclaim that college is a waste of time. Way to be a leader Kanye. Now, sure maybe musicians and athletes shouldn’t be considered role models (Sir Charles Barkley tirade, anyone?). But Kanye has proclaimed himself to be a voice for a generation. To be a sort of leader. To be a role model. Then that role model says college is a waste of time, in a job market where a bachelors degree is a MINIMAL requirement for entry level jobs. President Obama said a very profound thing once. He said, “You might be the next Lil’ Wayne. But probably not.” His point, stay in school. Go to college. Despite what Kanye says, it’s not a waste of time. I know someone will say “anyone who takes advice on their future from a music artist is too dumb for college anyway.” Not the young kids who look up to this guy. Or any guy that says something as moronic as that. When you were a kid, your heroes never did wrong, and what they said was gospel. If Brett Favre had said college was a waste of time when I was a kid, I probably would have thought that it was a waste of time. Just saying….

What Kanye did on Sunday was rude and disrespectful. No one deserves to have their moment stolen by an inebriated musician. And not just stolen, but an attempt made to pass it off to someone else. Now, this is where I may get in to some trouble, so please read this with an open mind. Kanye West is a racist person. I’ll say it again, Kanye West is a racist person. I’ll make a quick comparison and leave it alone. If Beyonce had won the award for Best Female Music Video at the VMA’s, and Justin Timberlake went up, stole the mic and said “Congrats on the award, but Taylor Swift’s was better” he would have been labeled as a racist. Why? Because a white male said a white female should have beat a black woman for an award. An award based on popular vote by fans. I think it is subtle, but his excuse at the time was that Beyonce was responsible for one of the “greatest videos of all time. Of all time!” His words, not mine. Granted, the video for Single Ladies was pretty cool, and when Timberlake and Andy Samberg put on tights and did it up on SNL the video became hugely popular. But of all time? Thriller, anyone? November Rain? Tell me race wasn’t at least a minute reason behind his actions.

This wasn’t the first mildly racist action by the rap star. In a time when the country was facing a terrible hardship, and people were left without homes, or even a city to call home, Kanye did the noble thing by helping out. By calling the president racist. Not just calling him racist, that would have been an understatement. Claiming that President Bush did not care about black people was a bold, and irresponsible statement. Was the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina handled properly by the federal government? I say no. Was it motivated by the presidents lackadaisical attitude toward an entire race of people? Not hardly. By being one of the most popular stars of the day, anything said is looked at in a different light than say a 24 year old blogger. What I say doesn’t reach a lot of people. What a celebrity says, especially bold statements, reach a huge audience. What if Obama had been president during Katrina, and the same events took place in the aftermath? What if FEMA still had slow response time, and the recovery plan was as confusing as it was back then? Would Kanye make the same statement? Doubtful. Just food for thought.
I’m not going to say that Kanye wasn’t concerned for the citizens of New Orleans. That would be a lie. He did in fact seem to care, as he did what he could to help out, however small his efforts were. (He appeared on a celebrity telethon.) Sean Penn and dozens of others went to New Orleans and helped clean up, and take supplies. Again, food for thought.
Was this recent action motivated by race? If it was, it was minimal, especially considering Mr. West’s track record of race-related comments. But there is still a taste of it there, and it’s hard to forget past comments.

I don’t agree with the idea of people stopping buying his albums. In reality, many more celebrities have done way worse things and been given a pass. I mean, Charlie Sheen adamantly believes 9/11 was a government cover-ups, and is still allowed to be on a mediocre CBS comedy. Did Kanye hurt anyone, other than Taylor Swift’s feelings? No. Did he apologize? Yes, and I believe it was sincere in a way. Does he need to be allowed to speak in public, about non-rap issues? Probably not. Just play it safe Kanye, do what you do best. Record rap music. Stay famous for that reason, not for constantly trying to get your size 11’s out of your mouth.

That’s why I’m starting with me…

It’s very rare that someone comes along, and shapes the world in a certain way.  Love him or hate him, Michael Jackson shaped the world in his 40 year career.  King Michael, as he was dubbed, spent his entire life recording, and touring, making him the most sold artist of all time.  No solo artist has sold more records than he has.  Since the 1970′s, Michael has released nothing but pure gold. 

Being that Michael Jackson died suddenly today, at age 50, I felt it was fitting to do a blog about him.  I love Michael Jackson’s music.  As a child of the 80′s, I was around it all the time.  I remember hearing his songs, and seeing his videos on MTV daily.  (Remember, this was a time when MTV was still known for playing nothing but music all day long.)  His music has lasted, and still carries depth today.  Ask anyone, young or old, and they can name you a Michael Jackson song, and they all probably have a favorite for that matter.  I’ve decided to list all my favorite MJ songs here.  No particular order, because really, how can you rank the King of Pop.  Remember, these are only my favorites, not what I think everyone should love.  Everyone should have a favorite, so feel free to comment on yours below.

“Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough” (1979)
This is the song, that in my opinion got the ball rolling on Michael’s solo career.  He was already famous and popular as the lead singer of the Jackson 5, but this really started him out.  He and Quincy Jones selected this particular song to be recorded for his Off the Wall album, and it made its mark in history.  What stands out in this song is the uniqueness of his voice.  This is the first time you can hear the falsetto of Michael Jackson, as well as the hiccuping style he used for the rest of his career.  I still can’t hear it and not wanna dance.  And I bet you can’t either…

“Billie Jean” (1983)
The story behind this song is pretty interesting, and it involves a female stalker that claimed MJ was the father of one of her twins.  She apparently wasn’t sure of how the other twin got in there.  Anyway.  Without that crazy Jane, the world might be without “Billie Jean.”  I don’t think I’m the only one that believes that this song has one of the most recognizable opening riffs.  As soon as you hear that drum beat and the bass line kick in, you know what’s coming.  Not only that, but the music video was hype.  MJ rocking those flood pants, and shiny socks…forget about it.  And, let’s not forget that this is the song that gave us the Moonwalk.  Need I say more?

“Man in the Mirror” (1988)
Probably my personal favorite song of Michael Jackson’s career.  I remember my mom playing this song when I was just a little little kid.  That probably makes it my first MJ experience, and probably why it’s stuck with me for so many years.  The song’s beauty is in its simplicity.  Opening with the piano, and Michael’s powerful vocals; I’m blown away every time.  When the song takes a change in keys, and Michael is joined by the full chorus, it is in my opinion one of the best uses of a choir on a recording.  The song itself is about changing the world, and starting with yourself.  The message is universal and something we could all say.  I just listened to it at work, and it still gets to me.  Way to go Michael…

“Thriller” (1984)
When someone says Michael Jackson, most people immediately think of him in dead man make up, dancing with zombies, chasing after some fine girl after the movies.  This song and video are iconic.  The sounds of the song are awesome to hear.  The howling wolf, and creaking coffins, everything that’s in there to creep you out come together incredibly well.  The high point of the song for me probably has to be the monologue by Mr. Vincent Price, who has one of the creepiest voices of all time.  The music video for “Thriller” still sits atop most greatest videos lists.  Sitting at 14 minutes, the video acts more like a short film that music video.  The dancing is imitated by high school cheerleading songs every year at homecomings across the nation.  The makeup is beyond belief for a music video.  And, this blogger has personally seen video evidence of “Thriller” leading to the creation of the best student show in the history of his university.  FACT!

“Remember the Time” (1992)
In my opinion, this is the best vocal performance I have of Michael’s listed here.  At 34 years old, and 28 years of singing behind him, Michael still shows that he has a smooth as silk voice.  Usually after 28 years of singing, there is serious wear and tear, especially singing like MJ did for his entire career.  But instead of getting weak, and dropping in register, Michael only got better and better, and never faltered.  The video for this song was amazing, featuring not only Eddie Murphy, but also Magic Johnson!  Come on, who doesn’t love that?

“Black or White” (1991)
Ok, I might catch some hate for putting this one on here, but I don’t care.  It’s a good song, and like I said these are only my favorites.  This isn’t a list of critics rankings.  I’m just a regular guy.  This was the first Michael Jackson song I could actually call my own, from my own youth.  I was six when this came out, and remember loving it the first time I saw it on MTV.  The song is about racial equality.  It’s about caring about other people, no matter what.  As corny as it sounds, this really had a profound affect on me as a child, and helped shape to what I am today.  This song, and “Man in the Mirror” really did more for me than I ever realized until today.  Plus, the song features Slash playing guitar, and an interesting rap in the middle which has the line that I think should sum up peoples attitude on race “I’m not gonna spend my life bein a color.”  At a time when racial tensions were high, and everyone was concerned with not only their race, but with the race of everyone around them, Michael Jackson said it plainly, and let us know that there was no need in caring.  Plus, the video was just so cool.  Morphing!  Panther!  MJ bashing windows out of a car!  I mean, it got banned from MTV’s regular playing hours.  Who knew Michael Jackson could get a video banned from tv?  And who knew MTV would actually ban a video? 

So, there it is.  A brief look at my favorites.  What’s your favorite?  Let me know in the comments.  Disagree with something I said?  Did I mess something up?  Let me know!

John Mayer said it best on twitter:  Michael Jackson, like James Brown and Prince, are nearly uncoverable. The tunes were about his innate talent and can’t really be replicated.

And I’ll say it again, Michael Jackson is the Elvis of my generation.  Music icon, tragic life, dead too young.  So long MJ, you’ll be missed.

Buh buh…buh buh buh buh buh…..

That was the opening music to Star Wars, in case you didn’t know…

I love Star Wars.  I love everything about Star Wars.  I spend countless hours at work reading about Star Wars things that weren’t even in the movie.  I’m sorry, that’s just who I am.  I could talk about Star Wars all day.  From the evils of the Empire, to justifying the deaths of independent private contractors who were still working on the second Death Star.  I realize that it is probably a little sad, but at least I’m not at the conventions, wearing a costume, proposing some sort of Mos Eisley Cantina type wedding.  Not yet, anyways…

But I digress.  If you know me, or even if you don’t know me, it is important to know that I believe my opinion to be fact.  I know, it’s a terrible way to be but that’s just how I am.  I blame my English teacher, who once asked my opinion, and then told me all the ways I was wrong.  From that day forth, I was never wrong.  I tell you that to tell you this: This blog is about the facts that I have determined are facts.  I believe there is a best Star Wars movie.  I believe there is a worst Star Wars movie.  And right now, I plan to tell you which is which, in what I like to call a “ranking system.”  I invented it.

For this article, I’m basing my ranks on characters, story, fight scene (there is one in every movie), and my own feelings.  And my feelings outweigh everything else.  Just simple facts.  Now ranking from The Phantom Menace to Return of the Jedi, from worst to best.

6. The Phantom MenaceThere are so many things wrong with this movie, it seems impossible to start saying anything good about it.  It pains me to watch it.  I feel like Lucas personally slapped me in the face when he walked out with this move on film and declared “Well, this will do…”  No George.  It won’t do.  But, while I sit in contempt over this pile of wretch that is in fact the numerically first Star Wars movie, I must look at it from the good as well as the bad.

 

The Good:  While I say there are so many things wrong with the movie, there are some hot points.  Qui-Gon Jinn is a  hot point.  Liam Neeson seemingly reached down into the doo doo mountain that was this movie, and almost single handedly made it worth watching.  His attitude alone made me glad he was in the movie.  From his training, we see why Obi Wan was the way he was.  And, if it weren’t for Qui-Gon, there would be no reason for a series, as he discovered Anakin and demanded he be allowed to train as a Jedi.  If it weren’t for him, Hayden Christianson would still be on Tatooine, riding speeders with Uncle Owen. 
The next touch of good will be a combined effort.  Ray Parks as Darth Maul, and of course the unbelievable fight scene.  Ray Parks is an outstanding actor.  (Forget for a moment that he was punished with playing Toad in the original X-Men movie…)  Darth Maul is the quintessential bad guy.  Vader is angry for a reason.  He hates because he has to.  Maul on the other hand, just hates to hate.  No back story, no home world, nothing.  All we know is that he looks like the devil, and fights like a mad man.  Plus, he’s got that sweet double lightsaber and motorcycle thing.  And that fight scene.  I could write an entire entry on just the fight scene.  The first real lightsaber duel in 16 years, and it left everything else in the dust.  With the power of CGI, we didn’t have to worry about stop motion, untrained actors, or the awkwardly huge suit Vader had to wear the whole time.  We got man vs man-thing vs another man, and it was awesome.  Qui-Gon was the star of the beginning, but Obi Wan won our hearts in the end.

The Bad:  Now that I have said something good, I must admit that the movie over-all is crap.  I hate it.  If it comes on tv, I contemplate setting my hair on fire.  It’s just that bad.  Jar Jar and the stupid Gungans.  Pod racing.  That little kid actor.  It was all too much for the good up there to overcome.  Jar Jar, whether or not he is racist, is in fact stupid.  The way he talks makes me want to mute the television.  Sure, maybe he was a good way to keep little children interested in the movie.  But the fact remains that this is a series of movies that has had the same loyal fan base for 22 years.  And yes, there are new fans popping up every day, but that doesn’t mean you should insult your loyals, and give them some crappy “comic relief” character.  That’s what C-3PO and R2D2 are for.  That’s legit Star Wars humor.  Nothing flashy, or stupid.  The Gungans themselves are lame.  They fight with blue balls.  Really?  Do I need to go there?  And if their racist undertones don’t upset you enough, according to wookieepedia, an individual Gungan is called “a gung.”  Stupid.
I hated the actor playing young Anakin.  He sucked.  Nothing about him said “Supreme Dark Lord of the Sith” to me.  Maybe that was the point.  I don’t know. 
Pod racing is a waste of film.  When I see this movie, because of the amount of time devoted to Pod Racing, it is as though the story was so empty, they needed something to devote a solid hour to.  Pod racing was born.  I don’t have a problem with a brief mention of it, or maybe a little screen time devoted to it.  But there was no reason for the entire movie to be all Dukes of Hazzard-y with the racing.  Like I said earlier, its true that Lucas wanted to attract and keep a new generation of fans.  But this was not the way.  Not the way at all.  I did enjoy the part in the Pod race where Anakin’s racer blows up, and he gets all angry and says that he’s going to become evil after that.  Oh wait, that didn’t happen.
Speaking of Pod racing, I can really only see one reason it was in there.  It was there to justify how Anakin was just a good pilot.  Great, because later in the movie Anakin has to save the day by flying a ship he’s never heard of into space and blow up an attacking Trade Federation ship.  So, Anakin is a great pilot.  I’m glad we know this now BECAUSE IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY!!!  Obi Wan mentions it one time to Luke, and all of a sudden Anakin is some prodigy child that can fly a ship from Naboo that he has never even laid eyes on??  If you wanted to show Anakin as a skilled pilot, why not wait until Episodes II and III.  Oh, you did that?  Then what was the point of the ridiculous flying baby Anakin did?

5. Return of the Jedi
I may get a lot of flak for this one, but I just don’t care.  It’s how I feel.  It is by far the weakest of the original trilogy, and tomorrow I may feel differently and place this one at number 4.  But for now, this is where it goes.

The Good:  This movie is good, for the most part.  There isn’t much I can complain about, but what I don’t like drops it very far down the list.  This movie is nowhere near as bad as Phantom Menace, but it just isn’t as good as the others.  There is good in this movie, there is.  Vader redeeming himself is the game winner for me.  We all knew he was good, or at least wanted to believe it was true.  Luke said it himself.  And he does in fact fulfill the prophecy; he was the chosen one.  Suck it Mace!!  Even though you can’t see his eyes through the mask, you just know he had a pissed off look on his face when the Emperor was laying it to Luke with that Force lightening.  Nothing like a little abuse to make daddy throw you down the ventilator shaft.  Good thing 2, Jabba the Hutt.  I love Jabba.  I loved Jabba as a kid.  Jabba was the character I remembered most from my childhood.  He was huge, commanded respect, and somehow got the Princess into that gold bikini.  Straight pimpin.  Luke was a lot darker in this movie, which I loved.  You see that he’s right on the edge of not only the Light Side, but also his sanity.  It just seems like he could lose it at any second, but still seems to hold on, even when facing dear old dad.  I loved the Sarlacc pit, until they ruined it with the re-release.  There was something so ominous about it originally…  And, as mentioned above you can not! beat Leia in that gold bikini.  Fact!

The Bad:Like I said, I don’t think this is a bad movie, but it’s just not as good as the others.  However, there is some wrong with this movie.  When Luke takes Darth Vader’s/Anakin’s helmet off, there is no telling what is under there.  I was so ready to see some horrid, beastly, disfigured man underneath.  However, we were stuck with a pale, wrinkly, scarred fat man.  With an egg shaped head.  Not intimidating at all.  Underneath that suit, Vader was like every bully we had in middle school, just a very white guy who probably still pees the bed.  The best thing to come out of the way Anakin looks with his helmet off is this:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eZBevXohCI
Ewoks.  I hate Ewoks.  I don’t care that Willow played one.  Nothing but teddy bears, in my opinion.  And there is no way, NO WAY teddy bears could have destroyed all the stuff that was sent to their planet.  Primative weaponry will not beat an AT-AT.  It just can’t be done.
Han Solo is a wuss.  When we first meet Han Solo, he is the lovable space pirate with a heart of gold.  Like Jack Sparrow, only less gay.  Han always came through in a pinch, but was always looking out for himself.  Reward was all he could think about, when he wasn’t thinking about hookin up with Leia.  In The Empire Strikes Back, Han is desperate to get away from Hoth so he can do what?  Cover his tail by paying off Jabba.  Sure, he cares about the rebellion, but not as much as he cares about not dying at the hands of a morbidly obese Hutt.  But by this film, he’s a general?  Did the time he spent in carbonite take away some of his back bone?  Sure, fight for the cause you believe in, but do it your way.  Poser.
Oh, and what was up with the way Luke killed that Rancor monster??  He’s claiming to be a Jedi Knight, and he has to use a skull to hit the button on the other side of the room to slam the door?  Come on Luke, give me some Jedi powers.  That fight scene was a waste.

4. Attack of the Clones
Yeah, I think this is better than Jedi, get over it.

The Good:  I didn’t think this was very good for a long time.  I placed it right around Phantom as far as quality for a long time.  It took a rewatch several years later to change my mind.  I often find myself changing its number with Jedi up there.  What was good about this movie, is the lack of awkward tension between Anakin and Padme.  She was way too old for him in the first movie, and this changed it up a bit.  Obi Wan has come into his own by this movie, and his prominence as a Jedi Master shows.  Plus, he got that beard.  Jar Jar is gone for the most part.  We get to see just how manipulative Palpatine really is, and how he tricks his way into power.  Plus, one of the coolest bad guys in all the Star Wars galaxy is here, Mr. Boba Fett.  Why is he so angry?  You’d be pissed too if you watched your father(?) get demolished by that Jedi scum Mace Windu.  Let us not forget the epic battle between the Jedi and Dooku’s droids on Geonosis.  That was cool.  Plus, Yoda comes sweeping in with that clone army, leading the troops.  Yoda is ballin, no matter how you look at it.  Never once have I felt like Yoda didn’t give enough to the franchise.  He’s like Brett Favre.  Even when things were down, Yoda brings it.
And of course, Anakin gets his hand cut off.  The beginning of his transformation to machine is right here in Episode II.  Every time I see that robot hand at the end of the flick, I get a little goosebumpy.  You just know what it leads to.
Oh, and it’s the first time you hear a little inkling of the Imperial March.  The clone troops marching, and all of a sudden THAT’S the music you hear?  So foreshadowing!

The Bad:  Anakin is such a whinny baby in this movie.  After seeing this one, I felt like Ol’ Hayden couldn’t handle the role.  Then I realized he was probably written that way.  I just don’t like the most evil villain of all time complaining about everything all the time.  R2D2 had way too many abilities in this one.  His little jet boosters, just didn’t do it for me.  I mean, why didn’t he just use those on Dagobah when he was stuck under water in that swamp?  The fight scene here was pretty good, despite Anakin’s inability to actually act like a Jedi and use some restraint.  Geeze, you’re 18 years old, listen to your bearded master.  You deserved to get your arm cut off.
Speaking of Anakin, let’s reflect briefly on the slaughter of the Sand People.  That was very Darth Vader.  Anakin was angry, so he lashed out.  That is what makes Vader Vader.  He can’t control his rage like he should.  I don’t have a problem with that.  I do have a problem with the sadness that followed.  It’s as though he couldn’t decide how he felt about it.  He was sad, and upset that he killed all of them, yet he still claimed to hate them.  As a Jedi, shouldn’t he be able to determine the difference between his feelings, and lean on one?  Maybe it’s my inability to see what is going on, I don’t know…

3. Star Wars: A New Hope
Oh yes, even the original doesn’t stand up to my test of personal preference…

The Good:  This movie is outstanding.  For its time, it was visually stunning.  Lucas created an entire universe out of nothing, and made is special.  This is the movie that started conventions, and fanboys everywhere.  It gives us the ultimate battle of good vs. evil.  Luke, Darth, Han, 3PO, R2, Obi Wan, and even Greedo.  It’s a good movie.  I loved the battle of Yavin.  The flight down the trenches, Rebels getting picked off one by one by the far superior pilots of the Empire just makes for a great fight scene.  Going into it you know the Rebels are going to win, but you can’t beat the feeling you get when you just don’t know.  Grand Moff Tarkin is such a perfect villain in this movie.  To be realistic, he’s more of the bad guy than Vader in this movie.  He has no heart, and has no remorse for destroying the Princess’ home world of Alderan.  That thin face gives me nightmares.
What makes this movie so good, is that it can stand on its own.  When Lucas was writting and filming, he knew there was a chance it could bomb, and made sure that if this was the only one made, things seemed wrapped up.  That’s why the Death Star is destroyed.  That’s why Vader’s Tie Fighter gets blown into nothingness.  It’s why Luke and Han get medals at the end.  Everything could easily be wrapped up right there.

The Bad:  The ventilator shaft.  The one design flaw in the greatest battle station in history is also the one weakness.  It’s just too simple.  Sure, it was almost impossible to reach, much less hit.  But that’s not the point.  The Empire takes two seconds to notice, and the Rebels have nothing to do.  The battle is over, Rebel’s lose.  Family Guy does it best… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcL6DwSufMI
Put that along side Alec Guinness’ weak portrayal, and you have some flaws in the movie.  It’s no secret he didn’t want to be there, but he could have at least pulled a Kevin Spacey, and tried to phone it in.
And I hate to bring Family Guy up again, especially in the same tiny section, but Luke’s sudden love of the Force is a bit stupid.  He learned about it on Tatooine, and now demands that Han also agree to its creedos.  Grow up kid, you’ll never get friends like that.

2. Revenge of the Sith|
This movies puts Episode I and II in toilet.  This is the movie everyone was hoping for when they saw Phantom Menace.

The Good:  Anakin is finally the whiny brat I expected.  His complaints aren’t little anymore.  He’s finally upset about something significant: his abilities.  Anakin has been told too long he is the Chosen One, and expects so much more.  Sure he whines all the time, but why shouldn’t he?  The Jedi Council have fed him all this belief of his destiny, and power to destroy the Sith, that he truly believes he is behind in his growth as a Jedi.  Palpatine finally becomes the evil Sith Sidious to the public.  Sure, we all knew it from Episode I but to see it happen is unreal.
Everything that happens on Mustafar is breathtaking, in my opinion.  Starting with the murder of all the Separatists, and ending with the rescue of Vader.  However, I must say my favorite parts had to be first, the cloaked face of Vader after the initial attack.  It’s right here that you see the last remnant of Anakin still in that body.  When Anakin drops that single tear, it become evident that it was the last part of him that was good leaving his body.  And of course, we can’t deny the fight scene its proper place.  That is what a lightsaber duel should look like.  Two equally matched Jedi, going head to head.  In earlier duels one was always outmatched, and chance led good to victory over evil.  It was chance that Obi Wan defeated Vader, but not the kind of chance that won all the other battles. 
Seeing how Anakin physically became Vader still gets me.  What all it really took for him to complete that transformation is shocking.  Until the moment when Vader is laying next to the river of lava can you really see what he’s like under the suit.  He really was more machine than man.  And seeing Order 66 be executed really almost made me cry.  For reals.
And of course, Yoda.  I love Yoda.  Going up against the Emperor was no easy task.  This fight really shows how powerful Yoda was, but even more so how powerful of a Sith Sidious was.  With a few lucky breaks, Yoda defeats the Emperor, and peace can be regained in the galaxy.  Like I said, it all comes down to chance.
Oh, and I liked finally seeing more Wookiees.  Those things are awesome, and it gave Peter Mayhew a chance to be the only original cast member in the new trilogy.  But let’s face it, he needed the work.

The Bad:  Anakin does complain too much.  Sure, what he complained about was good, but I think Hayden Christainson was just toomuch of a brat.  I didn’t like how Obi Wan defeated Grievous with a blaster.  Yeah he had a little quip afterwards, but I wanted to see that machine man go down with a lightsaber to the chest.  It only made sense.
And what was the deal with the ever changing voice of Palpatine?  I realize that he needed to speak differently as a Sith Lord, but after he got owned by Windu he used seventeen different dialects.  Pick one, and run with it.
Is it a rule that every Star Wars movie has to have some stupid and pointless alien character?  Because when chasing Grievous on Upatau, Obi Wan rode the most bizarre lizard beast of all time.  I’m just sick of lame alien creature beasts being in a movie, for the sake of having more creatures.  It was like when they added all those Dubacks into A New Hope when it was rereleased.  Very pointless.
In the last minutes of the movie, and this is what kinda kills it for me, is the starting of the construction of the first Death Star.  Maybe the fault lies with ANH, but between the end of Episode IV and the beginning of Episode VI, a new Death Star is basically complete.  So, am I to believe that it took 19 years to build the first one and finally get it completely operational, but somehow after being destroyed in the Battle of Yavin it was almost fully rebuilt and fully operational by the events of Return of the Jedi?  Sure, they can’t change Jedi, and I know how cool it was to see Vader and the Emperor watching the Death Star being built, but really?  I just don’t buy it.

1. The Empire Strikes Back
In my opinion, the darkest of all the movies, and most definitely the darkest of the original trilogy.

The Good:  Oh where to begin…  Hoth was my favorite planet. It was a desolate waste land, and the perfect place for the Rebels to hide.  The battle on Hoth was unreal, particularly for the time in which it was produced.  Luke’s plan to take down the Imperial Walkers was genius.  This is the movie that gave us Yoda!  And I love Yoda.  His entrance in this movie was genius.  We all felt like this little goblin might be of importance, but when he finally says that he is Yoda, you have to admit a little shock there.  And the fact is, Dagobah basically to me shows how strong Yoda is in the Force.  Dagobah was steaming with the Dark Side of the Force, and yet Yoda was able to maintain his Light Side prowess for the entire 23 years he was there in solitude.  This is the movie that showed us that despite being dead, deceased Jedi had learned how to commune with the living.  Beautiful.
Lando.  Lando Calrissian.  Yeah, he was a total jerk in this movie.  He stabbed his old friend Han in the back, and he essentially turned power of Cloud City over to the Empire.  Yeah, that last one was an accident but it still happened under his watch.  I still blame him for that. 
We have the best line of the entire series in this movie.  Leia: “I love you!”  Han: “I know.”  How ballin is that?!?!  No one has the jewels to say that.  I’ll argue that by saying this, Han says “I love you” to Leia.  But if he had said those three words, everything that made Han Han would have gone down the drain.  So hardcore.
Now, that may not be the best line, to some.  However, to me it doesn’t get enough credit, and is so underrated.  But yes, the most iconic line of the entire film series, from Phantom all the way down to Jedi comes from this little movie.  “Luke I am your father.”  I think we’ve heard it too many times and it may have lost its edge over time.  But think about it for a minute.  Think about the way that hit you when you were little.  The most evil man in the known galaxy is the father of the hero.  The man determined to stop the Empire, to destroy all that is wrong with the galaxy and once agian bring peace and balance to the Force is the offspring of the villain.  Wow.  I do still get chills when I hear it.  Maybe it was the way James Earl Jones said it, but I can’t get the sound of it out of my head.
Luke losing his hand tops off what is great to me.  Right after learning that Vader is Luke’s father, Luke loses his hand and has to get a mechanical hand.  Luke suddenly became part machine, just like dear old dad.
What I like about this movie, is the ending.  The definition of a cliffhanger.  Lando takes off with the Falcon, leaving Luke and Leia behind.  Han is frozen in carbonite and on his way to Jabba’s palace, and all hope seems lost for the Rebellion.  No wrap up.  No final happy scene.  You have to see the next one.  It’s amazing writing.  There is no way to argue around it.

The Bad:  I hate to bad mouth this movie.  This movie sits in the top 3 of my all time movies list.  Luke’s attitude this movie bugged me.  He left Dagobah before he finished his training, falling straight into Vader’s trap.  He freaked out when he learned Vader was his father, and not the good kind of freak out.  He didn’t snap, and attack.  No, he cried.  Like a little baby.  I hate that. 
Plus there was the awkward kiss between Luke and Leia.  I know, we don’t know they are related at this point, but after you see it the second time, after the revelation in Jedi, you can’t not feel creepy.

Well, that’s it.  That’s my list of the Star Wars franchise.  And yes, I didn’t give a lot of negatives for Empire.  But that’s how I roll.  Sorry to disappoint.  Disagree?  Give it to me in the comments.